Second Chance in Life (when Air is taken away from you)

Bout 3 month ago I cough a cough that should have been treated promptly. I took it lightly. Saying time isn't enough, and every one else seems to be of higher priority. Took me about a month until I realized that my cough didn't go away.

I was at a junction to see if I needed further medical help. I chose to go to the nearest government hosp to get treatment.

They promptly check my x-ray and instantly check for TB while treating me with antibiotics. Took about 2 weeks of treatment and at the same time going to work with a mask on my face to shield others. Results showed negative for TB and the coughing stopped during the day.

Until one night I started coughing and had a fever. There the question of going back to the government hosp or to get private medical attention. Its a one hour plus drive alone for me to get medical attention, but it would save my life. I arrived at the hospital's emergency room to quickly get a specialist view of my situation. The recommendation is for me to get warded. I tried to justify that I am ok but the the fact remains, I have been coughing for the longest of time and I have a fever on me.

Luckily I am covered by the insurance company so that didn't bother the doctor to test what needed to be tested. Standard were the X-Ray, phlegm and blood samples. All the things I did for the past 2 weeks at the government hosp in 3 hours. Later they recommended for CT scan, usually to get a better picture if there's any irregularities. Last they needed to put a scope into my lungs which needed me to fast for at least 8 hours before the operation.

Before the operation they gave me antibiotics through the drips. This was quite heavy and my fever continued even after paracetamol was given. Nebulizer help but it made me cough even worse until the point my ribs cant take it any more. To add matter worse the more I cough the heavier the head aches I get.

After the operation theatre things felt well until I was given two things, nebulizer and antibiotics. I start getting fevers and the doctor suggested to cut the nebulizer but it didn't reach the nurses that night. What happened next were a string of events like a sequence of dominoes dropping one after the other.

I start getting chest pains after nebulizer and I took all my meds one after the other, I started to cough very hard until my hands and feet start to feel numb. I had trouble breathing on my right chest and I keep my breathing rhythm but it was hard since I started to have a running nose. In seconds I cant use my nose to breath at all. Trying desperately not to cough anymore, I started to feel the numbness in my fingers grow up until my wrists, from my toes to my ankle. They checked my O2 levels which were showing I have sufficient levels of O2 in my blood. They recommend me to relax as the numbness will subside if I were not so anxious.

My situation was I can't exhale as much as I can inhale. This was the trouble that made me cough. My body desperately tries to release the CO2 in the blood but my lungs are not able to exhume as much leaving most of the CO2 in the muscles that moves the most.

Now when I couldn't breathe, my fingers and toes are numbing to the point that it cramps my fingers, a slight cough caused enough headache to knock me into cramps all through out my body, hearing nothing is wrong is plain out wrong. How could I relax? By this time i've been breathing heavily for over an hour, my heart was pumping heavily and I tried to relax slowly. This made the numbness climb up to my head and almost reaching all over my face. I thought that was it, this could be the end, I'm trying to relax and at the same time I can feel that things were tightening, from my arms and legs to my face. Some how I remembered all the things said before your soul is taken away from your body. The devils will appear in front of you in the form of your past family members, trying desperately to trick you to hang for this world and not the hereafter. Like a voice going through a checklist... I don't see any devils. I say to myself, its not your time yet then, things are going to be ok.

Started to hold my breath. felt numb almost every part of my body.... I asked my brother in law to assist me to the toilet. It took me 20 minutes just to find which nerves I need to control to take a piss..... Talk about the things you take for granted every time you piss.... later my numbness and cramps slowly subsides.... but it left me with the fear that I could have not been so lucky.

For the days that followed, doctor prescribed me another set of antibiotics and checked if they were going to cause me any reaction like what I previously experienced. It also helped that my lungs started to recover and the air volumed showed minor improvements but the situation improved tremendously. On the fourth day I had been discharged and on my way home with a huge bag of medicines for the months to come.

I am grateful that God had given me a second chance. God has shown me the value of the most precious gift.... the air and how fragile we are. We can fail even when we have everything working in place. Family and how they are there when you need them.... doctors and nurses who I cannot even afford to thank them enough for their dedication to their line of duty.

I now ask myself, I could have easily died that night. I was even embracing and waiting for my time.... the fact that God didn't take me away only means that I have not completed my task here just yet. I hope to know which task is that for me exactly.

Revealing the Gaps

I left blogging a while ago. Partly because things I did cant be shared with anyone. Have you ever held something by your self that in the end it took a huge part of you?

That was what happened to me. In the end, I chose to lay low, settle down, and pretend to be nobody.

I switch from a dream job to a 8 to 5:45 desk job. Relocated, gain a wonderful baby boy that cheers up my days. The trade was ideal. But the sacrifice was undeniable.

Career wise I'm gliding through the wind, but personally... apart of me always dreams of the achievements I've could have done with less pay....

But the fact is, I could not ask someone else to sacrifice for me let alone sacrifice with me. Thus sacrifice must be done on one's own accord.

I'll tell the story of my adventure one day... maybe it would be an entertaining story that would inspire others to live their lives the way they want it to be.

Money aint everything. Coz if it is.... I wouldn't have spent a single dime. We trade money for things that we require... it isnt money that we require... its just that most of the things nowadays require money.... I dont have to tell that to any one. But what I can tell you is .... the amount of money we require totally depends on us. And not some one else who says we need a mountain of wealth.

Wealth ain't just about dollars and cents. its also about dignity, love, honesty, culture and knowledge. Most people just dont know the value of these things, thats why they trade it for the lowest price they can get out of it.

I wish to do what Im passionate about while getting paid to do it, one day.... one day... I hope i'll achieve that.

But till that day comes, I shall be helping others gain back part of their lives away from the merciless technology they call IT systems.

Im back :)

Took me too long to stay under... I am going to start blogging again... we all made the decisions for the best reasons. Well me I had to make them for the ones I love.

Its been along while since Ive blogged. I guess.... Its time I start for my son's future reference.

"Harimau mati tinggalkan belang, Manusia mati tinggalkan blog".... bwahahahhahah!!!!

Tick tick.... Was it that long ago?

Hi guys, hi fellas, Ive not have the time to scratch here for some time. Until that sumthing reminded me how long it has been. My Back is in pain again..... Weeee! This only means I have been pushing myself a little bit too hard. How hard could it get eh? What am I pushing my self so hard to achieve? Last time I had this much back pain, it took me serious time and discipline to get me up and running again. I remember how I got through it, but I forgot how I got into it. So if I recalled last time I had this was because I was pushing to get a journal publish. Well I achieved that, but frankly speaking, not much use has come from such pain staking hardship that I can sit back and say its worth it.....

But maybe not this time. This time its a far modest target, to built a family, it will be worth it. Start on the right foot, even though that my back is breaking today, I know it just means I have to adjust my burden and use effective force and pressure to hold the things I dear most, up high.

High in the sky,
high above my head,
Yet so close to heart,
I am not afraid to do the leg work,
The pay is so worth it.

Sacrifice is never easy,
But they will come some day if not today.
Shy out or keep on going?
Shy out is not my thing.

So bear this pain,
use the force,
Ill long for the day,
When I say,
I am yours....

Where have I heard this before?

Recently I've been counting my blessings. The best do come to those who are patient. I'm thinking here about what I've been through. I sold my car and came back nothing but a few piece of papers. I have felt the heat and regret. But now I'm being redeemed by what I wanted the most. A family.

My sisters coming back home. I'm happy, my mom is happy, Taufiq? im not so sure coz he knows he's gonna get more trouble from kakdee now! hehehehe. But the thing is Dee asked me about her AP and her car. Would it be better to just let the car there in UK or bring it back? A question that I once asked my self in Japan.

Actually my car is totally different than Kak Dee's car. Why? its a two seater, kak Dee's a 5 seater. So better, in short, its worth it. About the repair... its a lot. Im not joking. The tax, at minimal coz its an old car. The worth of the car has already depreciated and not bought at a high price here lately. But the transportation cost, container from UK to Malaysia is surprisingly at its lowest. Not only that she could fit in alot of other things in there making the container worth the trip.

So of course in kak dee's mind shes weighing the cost to usability issue. But honestly, if my car was transported here. I still think Its worth the trouble. The car was still reliable, in good condition and no major repairs needed.

Is the car usable? Yes. Is the cost to transport high? No. Is the tax expensive? not likely considerable coz its an old car. The car is in good condition? It has already changed its Chain once. So theres still more mileage here. The spare parts are also here.... to a some extent.

Finally... I think its a good choice to bring the car back. The burden of dollars and cents are a lil high. But definately on last resort the car can still be sold. Of course thats the last resort. Only if all else cant be helped. If Dee had the chance I say Go for it. Dont make the same mistake I did. Thats my advice.

My life is going to change, Phase 1

This whole week, So much good fortune has been knocking on my door. Its like some times I dont know which to let in. All I can say is as a host, I would welcome my guess in as long as there is space to spare.

Yesterday, I met my best friend since I was 6 years old. I havent met him in 6 years also. Boy did we had a long time to catch up. He's always been my wing man. No kidding. We were the only two boys on the block and we did everything together. Climb walls, played boomerangs, and fly kites.

He saw the neighborhood change a lot. He even asked who house was up on the hill that block our old playground. Then he asked me ... "remember the time we had to pick up the boomerang at our neighbors house? I didnt get why he talked like he wanted to kill us". I look at him "Well you do know in Australia a boomerang is considered a weapon? Its no surpise he was threated when a boomerang crash his house!". And my typical friend would reply as he always did, "Oh yeah......thats why".

Tomorrow, Ill get a chance to see if I do have what it takes to be an engineer. Work in a Metropolitan place like KL. The Jams, The tolls and worse the heat. I hope I pass the second interview. The place is a nice place to settle down they say. Means its not a gold mine. But I think thats why I wanted to work there in the first place. Money ranks second to self satisfaction.

Now I began to calculate my propabilities on my future for 1 year, 2 years, 5 years and even 10. It seems now, I have to chose where I would live if I do seal the deal. Im trying to triangulate things according to my priority, market availability and future potentials. All I can say is, Im just laying out all the possibilities and looking at Which and whom be the best I invest it for the rest of my life. Work will change, traffic will be the same, money will come and go. But people who are with you, will be with you, and will be most important to you never change.

Ill stick to my beliefe that make things easy for others, and God will make things easy for you.

Good night.

Thank you :)

I woke up, feeling like staying in bed the whole day. I dont know why. But when I did woke up, drank my morning Milo, I saw a figure from across the room, across the road, on the wall of the hill. A black long snake just dangled down the wall. I didnt take it seriusly, my eyes could be playing tricks with me in the morning. But later on the screams of my neibours confirmed my suspsion. There was a snake moving about. How big it is, remains a question. If I can spot if from 10 meters away, between the leaves, Its got to be longer than 1 meter. Black means its not a phyton, worries me even more. Phytons dont bite, But cobra does.

Took me a while to get to the office. But when I did arrive, I was greeted with a cake! How toughtful :) I didnt expect it at all. Friends made the day worth waking up to. So in short Id like to express my gratitude and to state that some times, you'll never know what happens in a day. So many surprises.

Mark this day... from now on know that the wind will not be in favour.... the waves bigger than ever and my ship may not float forever!

Mark this day... from now on know that the wind will not be in favour.... the waves bigger than ever and my ship may not float forever! But I dare them to come and sink my will!

Today 18th April 2007. Will be a day I shall reset ... reset the hard ship of things to come.

Let me say a journey of a thousand miles starts with a step. Let it be my right foot. For today onwards come the greatest test in my life. For now one I am going on a roller coaster ride where Im at the top and what comes next is a sharp 3 seconds 85 degrees drop... but all the twist and turns the G pullings and sharp drops will be a ride of life... speed is what makes it trough the loops and curves....

Any way I start today, Alone. Single and untied. but when I come out ... Ill have a nation worth of experience. A Nobel prize to bump into ... and A family supporting fully my effort to bring my nation to the eye of the world.... *ecececece Cakap berapi!* but thats a solemn dream that I have... I may not be rich ... nor a genius .. but I sure am capable in showing the world what my country is all about... We are skilled people and we are smart... smart enough to know that even USA is hunting DVD pirates ..hehehhehe but thats beside the point....

Im going to stay in hell for another 2 years after 2008. Yes Yoong im going to continue study here, My lab is a golden opportunity to study and like ive always said .. theres a chance ill stumble a nobel prize... im already in the right field... If i want it so much ... it might even be possible. Bout family? I have a family and they are fully supporting my decision. So who ever who doesn't I don't consider them on my side. All I know is I survived HELL, Ill go through it again and again if I have to. But one thing for sure... I want what I want. And right now I want to continue Masters here in Fukui under Artificial Intelligence.

A lot of thinking has been done.... a lot even more than you have imagined. But one thing for sure... my brother helped me make that decision. By talking to him teaching him all he needs to know ... common knowledge.... I felt some thing thats seems to be just right... I might be nobody, but what Ive learned isn't supposed to be thrown away in my mind... its about.... reaching out and passing the fiery orb ... and hope that along the way some one will pass that orb of light to some one else ... that even after I fade into time... the orb will still have some one holding it and passing it to some one else. Thats a true educators way of passing down knowledge. Maybe Im just born to do it. Maybe I was just born to be a third generation teacher, a second generation of lecturers, and maybe the first in my generation to get a Nobel prize. So much maybes that it might just be true.... a chance upon a chance... But its a chance none the less... Like the wise words of my late father...."If theres a chance it might happen, It will happen! A chance is better than none".

Now I maybe easy today, for the next two years I might see even bigger tidal waves up ahead... a year of no fundings ... and im prepared to sell my car thats no joke. Im prepared to go through hell and come out alive... Smile and say in the end.... "Nothing a man cant do...."

So Come what may! My ship has sailed ... Pirates Incoming, typhoons incoming, Tsunami incoming!..... Like I said the first weeks of AAJ.... "If it cost me my life..... I will not give up with out a fight" coz who the heck dies with out trying?

Words from my sister
"You are Unique and you deserve the best, I am more than happy that you are going to do your masters.... because... You might have made the right decision from the start for picking Artificial Intelligence".

my honest reply:
"The right Choice for the wrong reasons..... those were the words from a Nobel prize winner whom i had the chance to be in a lecture hall with in Nilai College. I may be on the right track from the start".

So lets see ... Im going for a dive... after this its gonna be loops and turns... Hard times to come... but once in my life.... I looking at the tracks of this roller coaster and saying "HOOOOOORAAAAAH!!!!!".

**************************************************
-15/01/09

I say what I mean and I meant what I said .....
It never goes as plan, but keep the spirit going....
Whats sad is Im no longer in Fukui .....

**************************************************

Catch Up with me!

Hi Guys, Surprise!

That was today's topic.
The surprise I got was looking at the robot I was assigned to.... Damn I knew we were behind.... never taught it was this behind...

Any way here is what happen in my life finally I wanted to write it back.

I went suicidal.
Gave every thing up....
EVERY THING that was ever important to me.... the things that made me, me.... The things that made my mind sound and any thing that I have ever invested upon.

People say a man is known by what he keeps... well the only things I kept are the memories. And boy am I cheap. I do this to remind me that money, may it be the reason I could not go on for my studies, are the same damn thing that is making me do things. And of course the thing that I wish I do not miss. But deep down I know I am missing the bucks that I kept so hard.

My transition from Japan to Malaysia was hard.... rock hard.... but it was lighter considering I might have lost my wealth.... but at least I keep saying to my self, I am not in dept. Not in a MAJOR dept.

I was however welcomed warmly by people back home. Making me say to my self welcome home Indra, welcome home.

Now I have to salvage my life. Some of my friends have already adapted to the life back here, I however was about 2 month late.

That two months was in my history, two months of PURE HELL. More things happen and decided than the whole 4 years i was in Japan. I taught AAJ was hell of two years.... boy I was wrong.

So since I have felt how hot hell is... its sure a hell lot of better me here in Malaysia that is for sure. AMIN.

Last week, Good news came. With in that two months of HELL, some thing came through. And next problem is how the hell im gonna get back to JAPAN? in September? Im already broke out my behind.... how the hell am I going to get back there? So its some thing I have to settle soon but not now.

In the meantime I need a robot to conduct my research, sadly I have just got a hold of it today. It needs a hell lot of work to implement my system, but if I do get it... its just a proof that I can do things I hate. The question is ... how quick can I do it?

Till next week, This is me saying..... Welcome Back.